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How often do you tell your friends that they are important?
How often do you tell your partner that they are doing well
and that you’re proud of them?
How often do you say to your children that they are
fantastic?
Maybe the words don’t flow quite like that, but when you see
someone you love struggling, you are the one who is immediately by their side,
reassuring them of their capabilities and value. You’re the one who sends the
text message remembering that they have a dentist appointment and they’ll be
nervous. You leave the sweet note and box of chocolates on their desk, knowing
they still hurt after failing an exam. You give them that confidence-boosting
smile that says “You’ve got this”. You show that you care.
What a powerful gift!
We are capable of providing strength, growing confidence;
lifting spirits and helping dreams to come true. This kindness has become
second nature, and we do it without thought now, so why is it so difficult to
show the same consideration to ourselves?
How do you treat yourself when you are nervous? What do you
say to yourself when you fail? What do you think when you are struggling?
I have been privileged enough to work with hundreds of
students on their self talk, and one of the many things that I have learnt is
that it is difficult. Changing self talk takes time, and when the idea of self
kindness is new, it takes discipline as well. If self criticism is a habit for
you now, or your patience is low when you struggle, something must be done if
you are not to be held back from the raw goodness that life has to offer.
My road to self kindness has taken me from rock bottom where
I could feel the ground under my spine to a place of lightness and feeling far
more whole, like I am enough, just as I am. I know that I could fall at any
moment though and that I must keep teaching myself to be kind, patient and
forgiving with me, as I am with everyone else.
Amidst the stress and busyness of everyday life, it can be
easy to forget how incredibly short our time on earth is. When my mind
considers me as an old lady, maybe at an age when I can’t get around quickly,
and I know that life is coming to an end, I wonder what she would say to the
woman sat here right now, with a hot water bottle on her lap typing her
innermost thoughts.
When I allow my imagination to travel forwards to that old
lady, these are the words that my hands type today.
Dear Katy,
You made it to old age!
I am ancient now! My hair is long and grey, and yes you
looked good with it, even 20 years ago. Don’t worry, you can still make it to
the bathroom, and your fears of dementia were not needed. We never got skilled
enough to do the crossword in the paper, but we still write daily, do stretches
on the yoga mat and sit in the garden.
I am older now than you ever thought we’d be. I am thanking
you now for all you did to make that happen. We know it was part luck that you
didn’t get a terrible illness or get knocked over by a car. You’ll also be glad
to know that even with all that fear of flying, your plane never crashed! We
got lucky, but you also made a big effort, and I want to thank you.
Thank you for giving up smoking when you did and not
allowing temptation or tough times to get you. Thank you for every mouthful of
broccoli. We still don’t like it, but still, eat it and believe in its powerful
benefits. Thank you for ditching the coke and drinking so much water, we still
have great skin. Thank you for starting yoga. You thought it might have been
too late in life. Those stretches mean that even at an old age I was still able
to go climbing, still able to walk the mountains and still able to ride a
horse. Thank you for every time you really didn’t want to exercise, but you
pushed yourself. It made the difference. I believe that your exercise is why my
heart and lungs still work so well and why even at my age, I still feel
inspired to use my dumbbells, although they’re a fair bit small now!
You tried hard and let me tell you; it was worth it. There
are some sad times to come, but also laughter that is so powerful that your
belly and jaw will ache and tears will roll down your face. You will experience
unrivalled joy and moments of great satisfaction, where you can sit back and
breathe, simply absorbing the good.
I want to repay your efforts for us, by giving you some
advice.
I remember you well and how hard you tried. I remember how
often your thoughts lay with the people around you and how you would have, and
many times did, give your heart and soul to bring them love or joy. Please do
this for yourself too. Life isn’t waiting to start. It is here now, right now,
this is it, this is life! You are not preparing for a time in the future where
everything will be perfect. Trust me; life won’t ever be perfect. Life loves to
be messy, and that’s ok. Don’t worry though, or think I’m morbid because it’s
worth it. The great times will come, but they are also happening right now.
Look for them; they are there. Open your eyes and your heart to happiness now.
Laugh as often as you can, especially at yourself. You are a good person, and
you are starting to believe it but please remember that there is a limit to how
much you can do and give. Carry a baseball bat with you and every time guilt
tries to enter your aura, take your bat and whack it away with all of your
strength.
You are a beautiful example of a human being. Remember this
always. If someone is unkind, doesn’t like you or speaks with cruelty, that is
their issue. Keep being you and walk away. Never stray from being you. It
doesn’t matter who is around you or what their skills are. If they are
talented, tell them, celebrate them but never let them influence how you feel
about yourself. Tell yourself that you are beautiful and if you waiver and need
someone to remind you, reach for the people that love you. Tell them you need
reminding, and the ones who care will be there.
It’s ok to struggle.
It’s ok to rest.
It’s ok to doubt yourself sometimes.
I am here and will be for the rest of your life. Look in the
mirror, and you will see my eyes, maybe fewer wrinkles and less grey hair. I
will write again when I feel you need it. You are not alone.
With love and absolute respect
Your future self
Writing this letter was a raw act of self care. It reminded
me of who I am, that I have the answers, that there are things that I have
control over and things that I don’t. I know that whenever I need help, I can
allow my imagination to travel to that woman with the grey hair and ask.
What would your future self say to you right now?
Get in touch or send me your letter to [email protected]
Cover image courtesy of Guille Álvarez
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