Sunday 14th July

I always seem to be in bed when I am writing my diary! Sometimes I think it is my favourite place to be, fresh air from the open doors, birds chirping, the smell of rain on the grass just outside my window. I think the thing that makes this most pleasurable is yesterday’s achievements.

On a Saturday morning, I join an outdoor strength and conditioning class. I am the only woman and the weakest in the class. Each week I get pushed harder than I think I am capable of. My body gets tested to hold its own weight in different positions, to swing and lift kettlebells, to stretch and move in a way that I could when I was a child but somehow can’t now.

The hardest part though is the way it pushes my brain, my beliefs in my capabilities and fear of public failure. There is always a point where my brain (who I affectionately call Brian) says “YOU CAN’T DO THAT” Normally if that negative inner voice fires up I am pretty quick to notice and control it, but during training when my body is tired and being taken to its limit, it’s tough! I can find myself pushing hard, burpee after burpee, press up after press up and all the while my brain is giving me such awful abuse.

Yesterday’s achievement was one for my body but also my brain! The words “I need to go and get a lighter kettlebell for Katy for windmills” from the coach, felt like criticism. It said, “You are too weak!” Momentarily my brain felt beaten “I’m not good enough for this, I’m too weak for this class, I shouldn’t be here”. Somehow though as Coach Bronek (my coach and partner!) walked away to get the weight, I found some fight talk! I cut that inner dialogue in its track, my brain started shouting, swearing and telling me I was fierce and capable! I was angry! He returned with the lighter weight, and I did the movement easily, finishing and asking for a heavier weight. I completed the move with the heavier weight quickly, and as my confidence grew, I tackled a challenging Crossfit routine called Fran! It was exhausting, my body felt like lead, but I did it! Not only did I do it, but I beat one of the men in the class! As the class came to a close and people started to leave, I asked if I could try the windmill movement with an even heavier kettlebell. He agreed, maybe a little amused, and yet again I DID IT!!

This was a massive reminder to me about how powerful the inner voice is. It can literally take me forwards into success, or it can knock me down into a rag on the floor. What would have happened if I had allowed those negative words to keep telling me that I was weak? I have realised that I cannot rely on those around me to tell me what I need to hear. I need to do it. I need to be fierce. I need to make sure that Brian is ready to take me anywhere I want to go!

Wishing you love and a peace-filled day

Katy X