How Many Emotions Do We Experience in a Week?

How many different emotions do we experience in a week? How many in just a couple of days?

I feel tired today. It’s been a fairly relaxed day, working from home, having breaks and meals with my partner, standing in the sun, on the grass, in the garden and doing some pull-ups whenever we found inspiration. It feels like I have no reason to be tired, but then I was thinking back over my week so far; the highs and lows, the progress, work done and then the emotions.

It’s the emotions of this week that stopped me, made me put my laptop to the side and allowed me to curl up under a blanket and sleep for half an hour. On Wednesday we had a relatively normal yet incredibly sad time with my mum. Her Alzheimer’s is getting worse, and the frequency of drama, shouting, tears, swearing and storming out of the house is going up. From my office upstairs, I could hear her shouting, swearing at my father, using language that she would never have used so aggressively before she was sick! Seconds later, the door slammed, and she was gone. We made the decision to leave her for half an hour to walk, feel free and hopefully calm down and then we would find her and bring her home. Her shouting comes from her confusion, her swearing from her frustration, her need to storm out from her feeling trapped in a world that she no longer understands. Alzheimer’s truly is the worst thing that I have ever known.

After half an hour dad went out in the car and another hour after that he called to say he couldn’t find her. I leapt to action and took the other car out, and we drove every street in search. Four hours after mum left the house, I found myself sat in a Police station reporting her missing.

The feeling is sickening. What if she has fallen? What if she has got in the care with a stranger? What if she is crying? STOP IT WITH THE WHAT IFS! But what if she’s hurt? What if we can’t find her? What if it gets dark?

My dad found her on the side of a mountain, tangled in her boot laces and a dog lead.

Once she was home safe, and the police had visited to witness her safe return, all I wanted was to be with her. I had so much work to do, but none of it mattered, she was the only thing I cared about. I lay on her bed with my arm around her. She slept in my arm like a child. She wouldn’t let go of my hand, and it took all of my strength not to let my tears drop onto her face.

On Thursdays I drive to London so as I was passing through Cardiff I stopped to visit an old friend. We grew through our twenties together and shared our love of horses and jumping. We used to build huge fences and jump our ponies around. She is someone who accepts me exactly as I am; she knows the ins and outs of my life; she has seen me cry, seen me win and seen me fail. While visiting, I rode her horse, and at that moment, while cantering around, I felt extreme joy! I was overwhelmed by it. I didn’t make any effort to be happy; it just got me! I was buzzing, excited, laughing, and feeling so happy! All of it was from external things! I am a big believer in creating your own joy, but sometimes it’s tiring. Sometimes it is a flipping joyous luxury when without any effort you find yourself belly laughing with excitement darting around your veins!

Within the space of two days, I experienced such an array of emotions! I felt panic, fear, sadness, grief, worry, hurt, relief, love, excitement, joy, happiness and more love!

If I need another nap today, I will take it. I will not feel guilty. I will feel peace.

Big Love Katy X