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“Be more Bruno” Those were the words that I spoke from on top of a huge hill as me and my mum’s gorgeous dog sat and watched the sunset over our beautiful Welsh homeland.
Bruno has cancer, he has had an eye removed, has a massive tumour on his head, and now the skin is breaking, and it’s not treatable. He has had numerous surgeries to remove tumours and the awful one where they took his eye. Each operation was a big fear as his heart is so weak. I don’t understand how a dog with such a huge, joyous, loving soul can also have a weak heart.
Anyone afraid of dogs would see a scarred monster when they look at him, but all I see is beauty, so much beauty. To me, beauty has nothing to do with appearance. It’s something inside the heart and maybe the brain and gut too, it’s something that drives a person, or a dog and the drive is so pure, love, joy, empathy, passion, the desire to fill the world with glee. His love of everything has always been immense, over the top enthusiastic with brilliance and sparkles! It didn’t matter if it was a walk, a meal, a kiss, his name or you get the tomatoes out of the fridge. He was there. He was happy.
You could almost hear him shout “LIFE IS BRILLIANT!!! WALKS ARE BRILLIANT!!! TOMATOES ARE BRILLIANT EVEN IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE!!!”
Bruno’s lust for life has been more potent than that that I’ve ever seen from any human. His joy, his pure, innocent happiness.
Now he is dying.
He is in pain.
Soon his life will end, and it will be mine and my dad’s decision when.
It feels wrong.
It hurts.
How can I choose a time of death for anyone?
What gives me the right to make that decision? I’ve done it before though with dogs and horses. I’ve held them close, kissed them and whispered my love as they took their last breath.
They say it’s our final act of kindness, not to let them suffer. I have had vet friends describe times when owners have left it too late, where the animals suffering drags on for weeks or even months.
There is a dark sadness inside me, and it’s gripping a fist around my heart.
When I see Bruno and kiss him, I want him to hear my words.
“I see you. I hear you. Your heart is in my heart. Your soul is in my soul. I promise that I will carry you in me and love you until my last breath. Thank you for teaching me about life. Thank you for showing me how to feel utter and deep happiness at simply existing. Thank you for sharing your pure joy with me, for infecting me with your emotion, whenever I was close. Thank you for being not just happy to see me but always thrilled, always overwhelmed with joy, like I was the greatest human on the planet. No human hs ever given me that. Dear Bruno, I love you, and I promise that for the rest of my life, I will be more Bruno. Thank you.”
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